Bug Problems
by Black-Panther lover
Summary: Central Headquarters is being invaded! How will Roy Mustang be able to deal with the... crawly problem, especially since his best friend and the only one who knows his secret fear is on a mission? [collab with indigo's ocean]


-1We don't own Fullmetal Alchemist nor do we make any money off of this! So no suing allowed! Also this is a fic done by both myself and indigo's ocean.

indigo: Yup. I wrote the good parts. Haha, just kidding!  
Panther: Ha, you know it was me, you were too busy looking at Envy!  
indigo: -drools-  
Panther: Told you. Now Envy be so kind as to leave indigo alone so she can tell us what the fic is about!  
indigo: No! Envy! Come back! I wish this story was about Envy, but it's about Roy. And Maes. And cockroaches. -shudders- Enough said  
Panther: hides Envy in closet Yes, you heard her right, cockroaches, now read on and don't forget to review or else I'll tell indigo that you kidnapped Envy.  
indigo: NO!

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**Bug Problems**

Central Headquarters was being invaded by a nearly invisible force. They crawled under desks and through the air vents, popping up when they were least expected, sorting through food and garbage to make their homes. Their shiny brown backs glinted under the overhead lights but made them nearly indistinguishable from the floor, while their antennae waved feebly, sampling the air. Their legs skittered on the floor as they marched. They were cockroaches.

Roy knew they were here. He could hear them running across the floor and had no idea what to do. He wanted them gone. It had only been a week, and his sanity was hanging by a thread. He wanted to cry out that the foul things just had to go but, who could do it? Everyone in the office was tense - he had nearly been shot twice as his second in command tried to kill the pesky creatures. To say the least, he was having a bad day. And to top it off Maes just seemed to have dropped off the face of the planet. His entire team would tell Roy nothing as to his whereabouts. He could already tell that this week would be hell.

_**Monday**_: Roy walked into the office and flipped on the lights, shuddering when he saw a multitude of the black bugs scurry into corners and under his desk. He walked across the floor gingerly and sat down on his desk chair, wincing as it crunched over several bugs when he scooted in. As he worked on his paperwork, he could hear the cockroaches skittering in the baseboard and behind the walls, out of sight. Every time one made a particularly loud noise, he would jump and his pen would slip, drawing a thick line of ink where he was supposed to be signing his name. He sighed. This would be a long day.

---

_**Tuesday**_: Roy was walking down the hall to Maes' office to get an answer once and for all when he heard it - a creaking to his right. He looked over in time to see a crack make its way down the wall. Nothing else happened so he continued walking. He stopped to look when he heard the noise again.

Part of the cement crumbled leaving a gaping hole. What seemed like hundreds of (but was probably only a few) cockroaches came tumbling out and spilled over his feet. He looked down and lost it. Kicking the foul things off his feet he snapped his finger and listened happily to their squealing. He was about to continue on his way again when the damn things started to walk out of the fire! He ran all the way to Maes' office, shouting "They're behind me!" When he entered, the room froze for a moment.

Then Maes' second in command grabbed her gun and slowly opened the door. She looked around but, seeing nothing, walked back in. "Roy nobody's out there." she said.

"No not a person! It was the bugs! They were chasing me all the way here." Roy replied, looking at the door warily.

Riza opened it again but found no bugs, either. She was getting worried about Roy now. She shot off a few rounds into the floor, just to placate him. "There Roy, I got rid of them. And no, I will not tell you where Maes went. Have a good day." She held the door open for him as he looked out nervously before moving back into the empty hall. She shut the door behind him, and turned to the others. "There were no bugs, I'm starting to worry about him." she said before going to her desk to finish up some work before leaving for the day.

---

_**Wednesday**_: Roy wasn't doing his paperwork. And, for once, he had a good reason. There was a cockroach sitting on top of the stack of papers, its antennas waving as it sampled the air. It's faceted eyes glimmered in the overhead lights as it sat. And sat. And didn't move at all.

Roy shuddered, thinking that he could burn the stupid bug with a simple snap of his fingers. But, then again, it might ruin all the paperwork. And then Riza would be mad. So he sat. And sat. And waited for the stupid thing to go on its merry little way.

---

_**Thursday**_: The damn bugs were at it again. When Roy opened the door to his office, he could see them all over the place as they turned the black little eyes to stare at him. They weren't afraid of the military anymore and now they were becoming downright cocky. Roy walked back into the office muttering under his breath.

"Just two more days, just two more days." He pulled out his chair and was about

to sit down when he saw the cockroach, just sitting there like it _owned _the place. It didn't even turn its head from its meal of crumbs as he pulled the chair out. Roy had had it. With a snap of his fingers the chair was ablaze. He looked at the floor thinking the fire would scare the damn things off but to no avail. They all stood there watching as their kin burned to death. Sighing in exasperation, Roy walked out of the office and told a passing officer to put out the fire in his office before leaving.

---

_**Friday**_: Roy was exhausted. Last night he had taken his entire, gigantic, overdue stack of paperwork home, and he had been filling out release forms and other nonsense all night. When he stumbled into his office and turned on the light, cockroaches scuttled away. Roy, for once, paid them no heed, shuffling to his desk, plopping in the chair, and promptly falling asleep. He would only nap for an hour...

When Roy awoke, his room was dark. The small window over his desk which let in light was dusky with twilight, and some concerned secretary had probably shut off the fluorescent lights on his ceiling. He sat up groggily, yawning and realizing he had probably slept for much longer than intended. Standing up, the colonel began to walk to the break room when he heard crunching noises under his feet. To his horror, when he looked down he saw hundreds and thousands of cockroaches, all lined up on his floor, on his desk, even on his CHAIR. Their brown backs and hard shells crunched under his feet as he stumbled back in horror, biting his lip to keep from screaming and clenching his fists to keep from burning the whole damn headquarters down. Quickly, he ran from his room in a panic, latching on to the first person he saw, wrapping his arms around them and burying his face in their neck.

Fortunately it was Maes he ran into. The man let his arms go around Roy's back. "Um, Roy, what's going on? Riza said you were acting weird all week, and that you were starting to worry her." Maes said as he heard Roy whimper.

Roy pointed to the room with a shaking finger and drew up his feet making Hughes carry him. "Maes, there are cockroaches everywhere! They've been after me all week!" Roy whined as he buried his head deeper into Maes' neck.

The taller man chuckled slightly, and put Roy on the floor. "Don't make me carry you, wimp. I heard about the cockroaches, and I'm surprised nobody thought to call the exterminator." He gave Roy a look.

"Oh." Roy blushed and smiled sheepishly. "I forgot." he replied, his voice shaky. "But I swear, they've been multiplying! They're everywhere! The stupid things won't leave me alone!"

Maes shook his head and laughed a little. "Duh, that's what cockroaches do, they mate and then have little cockroach babies." He began started to walk down the hall as little roaches started to move out of his way, seemingly afraid of the glint in his eye. One brave cockroach didn't get out of the way fast enough and Maes sent it to its death with the point of his knife. "Let's go, so we can go get a drink to calm you down and I can call for someone to clean this place up." he said to Roy, who was frozen in place.

When that still didn't get him to move Maes stopped walking. "_Now _what's wrong?" he asked.

Roy pointed a shacking finger to the floor, where the cockroaches were all around him in a circle.

Maes sighed before moving back to him and bending down. "Get on, you big baby." he told Roy with a small smile. Roy climbed on his back and lifted his feet up as Maes started to walk with crunching noises.

He shuddered every time the man would crush a bug with his large black boots, and sighed with relief once they were out of the headquarters. "Thanks, Maes." he said gratefully, hopping down. He had noticed the weird looks many of the military personnel had given them in the building, and didn't want to prolong the awkward experience.

"No problem." Hughes replied generously, draping a heavy arm around Roy's shoulder and steering him down the street, to the nearest bar.

Roy walked in first and grabbed a seat while Maes went in the back to make some calls. When said man returned he had a smile on his face. "Our little...guests will be gone by tomorrow night and you have off until Wednesday. You know it's costing me 1500 sens to get this, and you won't even be there. Well I guess it's better to pay more, or else they would have been with us until next Thursday." he said, grabbing the drink Roy had ordered for him.

Roy smiled at him. "Thanks and thanks for getting me off. Now, just where have you been? Nobody would tell me a thing when I asked for you!" Roy asked, a little mad again.

"Oh that, I was just checking out some information on… something. They had strict orders not to tell anybody where I was no matter who it was. Sorry, but I think it'll help in the long run." Maes replied as he raised his glass to Roy's.

After an hour had passed, Roy was wasted and Maes started to steer him out the door. Suddenly, Roy looked down and saw...a cockroach.

He fainted.

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Now _that _was fun to write! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it! Please leave a review or, you know what I'll tell Indigo.

Huh, I wonder if Envy has enough air. walks over to closet and opens door.

Hehehe, does anybody in the house know CPR?? .


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